Shedding the Shackles

"That Particular Time"

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself. I am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted
at that particular time love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time

He will not force us.

“God is serious about his commitment to free agency,

and without this there would be no joy or life at all.

We worship a God

whose character is so stunning,

and who wants us to come home,

but he will not force us.

He will give us the maximum reward for our acts

and impose upon us the minimum penalty

which it is possible for him to impose.”

Neal A. Maxwell

He Knows

"For Jesus knew from the beginning who they were"

A verse of scripture can stand alone or have meaning in context. The meanings are different to me and I like them both.

St. John Chapter 6

61 When Jesus knew in himself that his disciples murmured at it, he said unto them, Doth this offend you?

62 What and if ye shall see the Son of man ascend up where he was before?

63 It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.

64 But there are some of you that believe not. For Jesus knew from the beginning who they were that believed not, and who should betray him.

65 And he said, Therefore said I unto you, that no man can come unto me, except it were given unto him of my Father.

66 ¶ From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.

67 Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away?

68 Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.

69 And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God.

I like that he knows. I like it that there is nothing for me to hide. At first it is a little scary. I tense up at the thought trying to figure out how to push the things I wish I could hide into the background and emphasize all of the good instead. Then I realize that Christ is the perfect friend. How many times have I wished for a friend who really knows me and really cares for me in spite of who I am. Then I relax. I don't have to hide anything. Together, my perfect friend & I can look at me and who I am. Its always a relief to have my faults & my short comings addressed in a matter of fact way. Yep, there they are. I'm not proud of them. I'm a work in progress. Once I get out of 'Jonah mode' its a lot easier to ask for help & because I know he is my perfect friend, I know he will patiently work with me. I just have to keep trying to improve, get better, do better. One step (stumble) at a time. Keep walking with him, keep believing, keep hoping, keep trusting, keep repenting, keep learning. This scripture doesn't leave me with the sense that he is frustrated, mad, giving up or anything confrontational or forced. Just a very matter of fact statement of how things are. Statements of truth, not conjecture. Giving the opportunity for each to choose what and who they will be... a delicate balance of agency and an offer of better things. It really is an amazing plan. Without Christ we can do nothing for ourselves as far as salvation goes. With Christ, we must do all we can to work out our own salvation so it is something we choose, not something that was forced upon us. His sacrifice gives me something to work for, something worth fighting for. Something within my ability to attain because he makes up the shortcomings I can not overcome. Wow. When I think about it, all I can say is, Wow.